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Every month I go to see a drag act called "the Martha Graham Cracker Cabaret", starring Miss Martha Graham Cracker, who has one of the most incredible voices I have ever heard, one of those voices that just effortlessly pulls you in and makes you want to listen forever. Out of drag, Martha's name is Dito, and he is a damn good actor.
I went to see him in "Chekov Lizardbrain", a Pig Iron Productions play that debuted in New York and came here to Philadelphia. The play is basically about the brain of a man, Dmitri, who has some form of autism or maybe schizophrenia who buys a house from three brothers, but it's presented in a series of memories, some of which you think may be perfectly reproduced because they are shown on a 'projector', and some of which are clearly altered because the characters talk in a stilted, over-dramatic fashion and are wearing fake mustaches and top hats. It was pretty amazing that they were able to turn "man buys house from three brothers after their mother dies" into a fascinating, 70-minute production with costume changes and scenery that included a cave that most likely represented Dmitri's mind.
I wasn't sure how I felt about the play right after having watched it, but it's really stayed with me, firstly because it ends with Dmitri in the house all by himself. Not having learned from the brothers how to turn the heat on, he is huddled up in the kitchen wearing his winter coat. The most affecting part of it, to me, was that in the scenes where his memories are altered, it becomes evident that Dmitri's brain is giving an enhanced sense of importance to how Dmitri affects other people's lives. For example, in one of the memories, Dmitri remembers one of the brothers saying that his birthday just isn't the same without Dmitri painting a birdhouse for him, but in the 'projector' memories the brothers barely know who he is, and one even tells him, "I don't like you. You talk weird."
I just keep thinking about that, how Dmitri's perceptions were so different from the actuality, and the closing scene of the snow falling outside while Dmitri painted a birdhouse in the kitchen with his winter coat and hat. It was a well-acted and well-written play, but I guess I didn't know how good it was until I realized that that image was pretty much burned into my mind. I have really bad paranoia about how people might really feel completely differently about me than what I perceive, or that they just pretend to like me, and even without personally relating to it, it's impossible not to feel sympathetic towards this poor botanist who wants so badly to connect to other people but finds it impossible.
I had a dream the other night about my mom convincing me that my dad was still alive. I haven't had one of those dreams in quite a while, but this one went on for so long and was so auditory instead of action-based that I woke up convinced it was true. I told her about it, and she had said that the day before she'd been getting little 'messages' from him, like "why is that man in my house?" (referring to my mom's boyfriend). I think a lot about how my dad died having no idea where we lived, and how I hadn't seen him for two months before he died. He was so, so lonely.
Maybe I don't feel in the Christmas spirit because I am constantly thinking about these things. My mom really wanted me to have a caroling party but I couldn't have it any of the days she wanted to, so she said she'd send out a 'feeler invite' to my friends to see when they could, and then I went to work. While I was at work, my little sister got onto my computer, went into my e-mail and copied all of my contact list. She then invited several internet friends, the older guy I dated, a girl to whom I said "I don't want to be your friend anymore", and a girl who was having a party on the same day (one which I said I'd go to) to a caroling party on a day I couldn't have one. I was mortified and had to send out an e-mail that said THAT WAS A MISTAKE LOL I'M EMBARRASSED and I felt very discouraged about having a party. In retrospect, it's hilarious, of course.
It's really important to my mom to have music and joy in the house, especially since Christmas was always about Bob. All the presents under the tree were for him. He'd be blasting "Charlie Brown Christmas" right now (but he would also do that in July). So because I also want there to be music and joy in the house, I am having a caroling party on Tuesday. You should come to it! There'll be cookies, because it's gonna be a COOKIE SWAP.
I know I haven't talked about the house in a while. There is probably good news! We had a forbearance until October 27th. During that time, my mom hired a lawyer to work on taking the tax lien off the house (my dad filed joint taxes even though my parents were separated, and because he owed a lot of money to the IRS, my mom inherited a huge debt when he died). He hasn't called her back in a while, even though she keeps trying to get in touch with him. The day before Thanksgiving, my mom received a letter that said that a trust that owns her mortgage (not even Wells Fargo or Equifirst, the actual companies with whom she had a mortgage) was suing her. About a week ago my mom filed the intent to defend and appeal papers, and she got a different lawyer to write a letter to the judge explaining our situation. The lawyer said we may have another six months in the house to sort things out. Six months is good! I am still not sure what 'sort things out' would mean. I haven't been keeping mum on the issue on purpose, but it's so immensely complicated that I barely understand how anything works.
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